Here I go again. Internships done , I can say I did well, management wise. But as usual suck at the commanding and on-the-ground command presence. 

And now thats over with AFF, Its time I pick it up and go again. Im looking forward to experimenting more of my ideas towards my idealistic , yet possibly realistic company in my mind as time passes along the way. At the very least, I know I've gotten clearer of my intended goals. Nows just the time to push that across from my mind to reality. Ive become really broke, even more after this internship from eating all the good food with my colleagues and stuff. But the insights on lifestyle singapore - worth it all. But yes, Im really broke as in BROKE now. I need so much more money to experiment in order to kick start. More freelance jobs to my way please. Im even thinking of putting IT back into my line for website creation just to boost that moolah to support me through.

I need a system. Gotta keep calm and think of one and just go at it.

Inevitably, I still do look at facebook pics of my secondary school friends and other pals who are in uni life. Student life is really the best, and better if its in the light of camps, og groups and all. It really makes life so smiley and fun, bringing out the wild side of you. Well, definitely im jealous but ohwell. Life is to move on, I'll find my own fun and smiles in the rest of the little things in my life. At the very least, Im a step nearer to that goal I dreamt of. 

"Stay hanging there and keep moving nic."

 Happy 2010 to everyone out there. 2010 have been sucky, real sucky. 2011 will be the time to fly again, fly as high, fly as far as I will fly in whatever endeavors I might embark on. Ive taken time to accept what I am now, and my path for accomplishing what I want to be and where I want to go.

Time to run.

Time to fly.

Goodbye 2010. (:

might be moving to a new blog soon. another phase, another blog and another me. 

 On nights like these Im thankful to have my TP black windbreaker jacket to keep me warm and comfy and safe... just like how it always did in the past while I was chionging my projects - so I never regretted buying it from the bookstore.

Anyway it feels that the world just doesnt look the same anymore day by day. it gets duller and duller, as if its saturation is lowered gradually. Things all seem so superficial. Just like a clay world where nobody lives in. Im glad I get over a few hurdles of my life through thinkin these few days though. The void deck was blissful and calming in the late nights. 

Anyway speaking bout void decks, I passed by the playground just opposite TP's Techno Coffee shop just the other day after being caught in a big rain in the night. I looked at its surroundings, the little shelter beside it , and smiled. It was the place eileen BF,dex and yl?jy? once like to LP together at. Mostly reminded me of eileen, cus LP was started by her. Whenever she had vexing probs she'd call for a LP Session, and we'd sit away there or at techno that very night. I think it was fun, its was special and yet above it all, those times were simple.

How I wish the night would never end.

Cos the night is surreal. Where everything quietens down, and where people's hearts open to breathe. I like it when the cold breeze touches me in the late night , it only whispers a comforting presence to me, telling me that its all gonna be okay. Im sitting around my area every night, cus at least, I know, this day has come to the very end. And its my time to quieten and calm down to find my inner peace and serenity for the next day.

I hope to overcome this hurdle. so much. And I know I need my friends so much too. I need people in my life to bring me across. How do I when I feel all distant even when people are around me ? So bad that I only end up drifting off. As though im denied of their presence. I dont feel them. Nothing out there at all.

 Missed my FTT today.

Biggest joke ever. Forgot to bring my I/C. It never occured to me that I'll need it when I went down for my 4th trial test. Everything which happened just seemed so predestined. And I was denied entry cus of an I/C. He could read out my I/C Number even. Thank you uncle of a government service (easily recognisable working ethics)

Ive missed 2months of my life again.

Its a pain to me cus time is precious to me - most people wont understand because they dont know my past. Its as good as cutting out a huge chunk of flesh from me.

Kicked the walls, punched them hard.

Acted like a mad man.

Punched into every fence.
Shouted. Kicked.

Sat by the roadside, under a tree.

I know it looked pathetic. Yea look at me man. I was a GREENIE OFFICER. yes. JUST look at me. to those people looking, you're looking at one fool. One who devoted his time for nothing who's brought himself into this pathetic state. Losing so much for nothing. I'm sorry to let my dad see me in this pathetic state. He got down the car trying to bring me in. I shouted that I have no intentions of going home. And even if theres people looking, who cared. FUCKING LOOK all they want. Ive no room for shame and dignity. what's there to care about when you've lost so much it hurts even when 2months is taken away from you. You guys wont understand. Never will. Life is too short for time to slip away like this. Even worst when you have 10yrs behind your back lost for good. Try to run after it. You never get back enough to feel contented.

Sometimes you just gotta be selfish. Its only kinder to yourself.

Bruises on my hand. Big thick black bruise on my feet. well yeah, its a warning, and a punishment not to waste my time like this again. next time, I better be banged down by a fuckin car.

night people. 

 What Kind Of Designer Do You Wanna Be?

I've often asked myself that. Often dreamt of what I'd be able to do once I got the chance to drive my ideas into creations - be it prints, photography, Films, collages and illustrations. Theres so many things to design that produces effects of dreams within a person. My dream was to be a designer. I had that thought in TP, and I somewhat developed a passion and confidence for being that.

Its not about how nice it is, its about how your concepts twist reality into something unexpectable that kindles people's minds.
Its not about how good your drawing skills are, its about how much you shape that idea into an object of only your mind saw and how people can see it.
Its not about how you can use this this this this program from Adobe Suite, its about how you use them as tools to blend it into physical creations which thrills the minds. Whatever process you brought it through.

I used to be able to see my dream. And I used to have alot of little skills here and there to offer.

But now I realise I've lost 90% of all that I've cultivated.
A designer lives on his portfolio. His lifesource depends on it. Without it, he is a nothing who can use programs to click just like anybody.

Even more so of me, who chose a stupid course like IND. wtf is that. INTERNET & multimedia development. Firstly the internets all UGLY and screwed up in the course name. It makes it just sound like some random dark grey diploma. Yes, I used grey as a color to describe it. They should have never tried it in InfoTech school. Design and IT? Comon. Ya. I know Im making myself sound like a loser, but IT gives me the irkes. And I hate it how i try to cover the part that i DO COME FROM INFO TECH SCHOOL. It just turns all skepticism even stronger.

Designers are really not all that many think it is. If you think designers just need to know photoshop, think again. Its way deeper. And its insulting to call someone just that just cos he/she designs posters and stuff. its just, - tech savvy.

I've done my road planning before. Ive stepped on the grounds of a small design firm before. But that was all I had time to grasp for experience. 2 YEARS took over everything. Yes, army turns boys into men. UH HUH, it draws out the designers into mere backward souls as well. LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT. Was there even a (north,south,east,west) in that Standard LEFTRIGHT THINGY? . STANDARD STANDARD STANDARD. RULES ARE RULES. no twisting about. a lil creativity and 10000001 heads turn to you with WIERD STARES OF why you doin this like that? Im sorry, I trained a business/goodfornothing outta army for me. boy to man, designer to nothing. Im thrown back to square one after 2 years. Thanks but no thanks. You took out my humanity, you took off my smile. You shattered my confidence and threw back creativity into dumps. creativity? Call that WIERD more like it.

Im sorry Im just venting. I gave up almost my life for officership. or the army. My back is in ruins now, It fuckin hurts when I dance. My sense of style I used to have just became a conservative keep to the checkline kinda thing. Asking people if this suits me now instead of the usual Ill get it myself and exude it afterall. Friends? I lost touch with humanity to keep holding on to them firmly. And yes, not forgeting losing so much quality time with them i NO LONGER KNOW WHAT IS QUALITY TIME AND HOW IT FELT LIKE.

Thanks 2Years. For taking away 20years.

Sometimes after ORDing, it brings me great pleasure when I recieve messages still from the people who were once my men.

Even the ones who always creates alot of trouble from below, you see them sending msgs once in awhile asking out for you and how you're doing. Its subtle but it makes efforts and pains during the whole phase of army for them all worthwhile.

So I guess the only thing I really miss in army is my platoon. this platoon which is special and the one and only in the battalion, which supports me even though sometimes I can be lost while trying to find solutions to things. They try hard in things , some who have even got injured in the long run for trying. well, I still thank them for being part of a phase in my life.

I guess a birthday chalet invitation makes me that happy somehow too. haha

went for a 25min run today. prior to that I spotted a rather ripped guy at the workout corner. He's got the abs, 3/4 of what i've been aiming for. Seriously I have alooot of work to do still. Then I noticed the type of crunches he was banging at, using parallel bars to support his legs to interlock them, and crunch up. Seems like one to work the core muscles. And I tried it after my run, but! NO. was freaking shaky, nothing simple like how he made it look. Okay, and I didnt even have wits to drop downwards as i "interlock" my legs. geez, how'd he do that? I think he was performing the roman-chair-situps after doing some research. i could have done it wrong LOL



Oh yeah, and i freaking tripped and fell after my run. scratched my knee but thats no big, scatched my iphone corner, NOW THATS FUCKIN BIGGG. oh well. At least I completed 25mins for today. been trippin alot lately.like fuckkkkk.

im sorry I threw away the rice. but that's just not my idea of bulking up or any regime. its as good as going a thousand miles of keeping fit but end up gorging on icecream waffles,sweets,soda and whatnots. rice is the same - its the same as eating doughnuts,white bread and all other refined carbo.

I promise to just leave it aside lah. im not jeapordizing all my work for some shit foods asian put strong believes to eat. fuck the asian culture.

Somehow a short, yet long day. I finally picked up courage and went for a hair change this afternoon, after gym session.

I was lucky to find a shop with malaysian hairstylists. They always treat your hair (especially when its problematic like mine) with care and analysis to a point where theres an effort to solve it for you - not like the singaporean stylists who just cut as they are taught, and tell you its impossible for whatever problems you might face. Dont dare to explore. Thats the lousy stylists of singapore. Anyway, i thought it was good for a colour change. Ash brown. - though my intermediate hair was way cooler as many claimed - that bright yellow hair bleached.

Alright. Anyway when I got home the problem came, my parents being traditional just cant approve. And they casted comments. Being me I argued back, and after a bath I sat down and demanded a connect session. Well, more of me reaching out to them on my views of things in life now. I wanna live for the moment, not for the memories. And be it memories, I want them to be those worth remembering in the first place, not just plain jane old memory lane kinda things. Things I could jump and be enthusiastic to tell about when Im older. And that kinda things only come when you go all out in life, do the things you do, look the way you want. And play it all out when your working on your path in life as well. Cos I know, when i hit 25 or so, life's gonna turn black and white in a firm/company. its not gonna be so lifely anymore. So I emphasized to live for the moment. I admit 22 is kinda after teens, but hey we're still young in any case. We have so much more in the world to see, to explore. Dont bore ourselves further with the demands of life. For me i believe ill work for it, but ill continue to explore, cus i still have the youth and I wont waste it settling in the scenes of adulthood. Childish or reluctance to grow up, well just name it. I wouldnt be affected anymore because I know my route and aim in life and nothing can stop me, but for all things, I dont believe in giving up your youth just to adapt to the life's thats comng up. Enjoy the moment, work for the future and make your your moments worth remembering in the future.

I dont mind my hair as it is now, kinda like it. On contraury, I also want it to be the hairstyle which i remember and be able to laugh at in the future as I get older. Its a laughable memory that makes it memorable, see the difference?

peace.