I'm now in this very state of understanding my mind. who i really am. What i'm cut out to be. Im doing my job dilligently, not because i love what i'm doing, cos im training to grow into a stronger and more stable new me, whom will know how to plan. how to react to impromptu means of life and how to give snap finger reactions to situations. Now that I know, I'm not really alone in the same boat. At least my buddies are in their own means, experiencing 20-30% of what i am going through. And that gives me 50% of strength. Wierd but true, cos I'm not alone. I need to brush up my articulation skills still cos it deproved over the times and it will continue to deplete should I continue not to speak my mind. Im still new thus I will go through learning as many things and take upon as many things as possible to break through a stage where i will be proficient in things. that day will come i believe. And then, I will look back and smile to that person who has been going through shits and getting laughed at as he continues to grow through the thick cutting winds. I will lead to inspire. Inspire to grow. Grow to accomplish. And accomplish the ultimate best I will during my 2years.

Thereafter, I will be back to my civilian life which I have always dreamed of. And the kind of life I have always hoped for ever since? At least from now till then, I shall concentrate on things in steps. I will rush but no use rushing concurrently. Cos I realise I might end up at nothing. I shall strive for NTU's ADM. To visual communications stream. I'll need to work hard for it cos its a path towards my destination. I'll keep my options open, and study a few other stuffs to aid in that speciality. My own business? yep. working towards it. Im gonna stop day dreaming, and start my hands on things. Mon - Fri is 2LT Nicholas Cheong. Come sat and sun, its the person i'm making coming the year 2011. My goals are set. Nows just the steps to mould. And the steps to take to reach it. I promised my parents and me. I wont live my life for nothing.

here i am sitting in my room and its raining outside once again. just like always i blog up a new journal entry before every phase of my army life. and tomorrow marks yet another new beginning and a new journey i would embark on. This time, im stepping into my new camp as an upcoming pc for my new platoon. I've always wondered how it would be like, taking care of my platoon. Connecting with them, understanding them and pushing for whats best for them. I wanna take care of my men to the best limits that i can afford, because for this remaining one year at least, my time is theirs. And for them, ill lay my life down. at least this serves as a motto for me as i think about my future role as a pc.

I have still much to learn. how do i have to portray myself now? how bout all that training and things to know by heart so that you can execute things accordingly to get the best results you can achieve. Just 1 more year and i'll give it my all to be the best pc i can ever be to my men, yes in my very own unique way. I do not have a way to capture their trust yet, nor do i have anything honourable to display as a form of respect, but yes, i'll start from ground 0 and climb my way up as swift as i can. that is my promise thats a resolution.

do things with a proper rationale. train with my men. the shit they go through ill go through with them. whatever happens, ill go through all fuckshits. im gonna give it my one last best shot.

cus i am gonna be. the ckm that i wanna be.

Lets try this one more time. now that ive lost my whole life and character during army, i find no one to talk to and no one, to confide in even. no ones there anymore ever since i entered or rather, everyones leaving my life. this is growing up. you lose your friends. When im feeling down now, i find things to do so that i can calm down. I no longer have traces to call, for a jog or a chillout at ben and jerry's.. where we can just talk and feel relaxed after the whole dhoby gaud area outing. trace, i really wonder where are you now. and if you're doing fine, you really dissapeared in the usa for an awful several months. I just hope you're ok somewhere. I now realise, what power i had when i had people around me. Now that i realise its gone, so is my courage. so is my once developed character, so is my confidence. Everything I built up during poly just crashed down on me, the last bit seemed to have left as well. im now hanging on a thin line, waiting and hoping to not drop off. theres this world now, with nobody in it. it is a vacuum hollow where nobody is even there, let alone anyone who understands. im not doing as well as my peers now i guess, but at least im trying. im no longer that guy who can smile through and get things done the way he liked. now he even wonders if he was in his own world to begin with in the past. for those who think im like throwin some emo thing again, im not . its underestimated. no fucking person knows what im actually facing from inside, no one man. its accumulated, its not just a emo thing. it has come to a state, where i have no self worth anymore. i mean nothing to myself. -yes,to the extent whenever i cross a road and a car is near me, i would not try to run so that the car have lesser chances to hit me. the thought always appears:''if i die now, just die. it'll be fine". i really miss the times when there was a soul at least around. and where i had a life. all thats left of me is perhaps an empty shell going through the motion. its numb inside. nothings seems to be able to change anymore. i lost all of u guys. life goes on...everything will be a memory.

i dowanna drop back to the cui state man.

no way.

one entry before i book back in for my platoonlivefiring and scorpion king.

its been 2.5months and ocs is really killing me. time out is short and the time inside feels like forever. People in there aint like what it was like in leopard platoon 3 and yes, i do not really enjoy the company. every book in feels like torture cos its me seeing them again. as a whole, i dont feel like them cos my view's seem different.

Things are getting better no doubt. But here's my evaluation. I think I've been struggling mentally for the theory parts of the course and the grapsing of things. It felt like in sec 4 where i will lose out in results cus studying just isnt me. now that i think of it. I actually hate it. no fucking way im gonna stay like this . no fucking way its gonna be me against the world again . The same things in life dont happen twice and i'm not allowing this to sink in again cus that way the nic back then. he's dead and the him now is different. I'm not gonna keep quiet about things anymore and be passive like I have been for this 3months ever after bmt. Army and life in ocs is stealing off that character and direction in me. IM FUCKING TAKING IT BACK FROM IT. i'll say it and mean it. standards will go according to me. staying like that is painful, so im going all up there from now on. Either climb up all the way to the top of the hill nic, or just fall and die and die tragic. this is a fuckin standard,so meet it. I'll need to thrive and get a stand by getting to know all those little details back in my head, so i can gather back that confidence i saw in my old days. I dont wanna lose any bit of shine. i just wanna be who i was back then, if not, a better and improved me. im laying all this down in my blog, cus im searching for my direction from back then. and to those who has had expectations of me, i'll prove my worth and make sure i dont lose.

make sure that name can be heard again yeah.mr cheongkengmun.. im not what i seem like now. im pulling it back altogether now.

going into ocs tmr. SAFTI camp feels so scary.

I dont think i can hold the same level of enthusiasm and courage to shine like when i first enlisted into bmtc.
something's just not right, the morale's low. All the best best chiongster kinda people are all there. I've grown too used to Leopard. too used to my platoon mates. Too used to the enciks of my company. Im seriously not ready for this.

Culture shocks. New environments. Strict orders. sigh.

wheres my drive mr cheongkengmun. hoping everything will be fine tmr. nights to you people.

"since i would proclaim that Im not suited nor fit to talk to you cus of who i am and what i take passion in. therefore lets never ever meet again"

remember this sentence i made for myself ever since these things happened.
dont insult or make mockery of my passion, dreams or ways in life. If so,this sentence shall hereby be turned onto you. I dont believe in friends who would laugh or make fun of your passion, such friends dont deserve to be.

so fuck em off.
you dont need them at all.

this is it. tomorrow's my final IPPT test and im still 1 chinup away from Gold.

if i can i can, if i cant, i think i have tried my best. not always the most tactical person, i dont know how to train specifically for something but i just do blindly, the best i can for whatever i do. wish me luck towards my 10th chin up guys.

hope to see dexter in the same camp in time to come soon.  Im happy for you bro! You've managed to climb to where you wanted.
Now's my turn.

2more weeks to POP!
cant wait!

found this random TP video from youtube




back during 1998 to 1999, when I've yet to enter TP. fascinating that someone actually videoed all that down and posted it up. TP FO camps have definitely undergone major evolutions generations by generations. Judging that cheers and games are definitely faster and better now. Something from this video i still see, familiar to how it is, is the TP mass dance. the spirit is still there, with pride and fun; we will still dance it out of love for our school, TP.

TP spirit. please linger on..

Cadet Booking In.


So here I am, sitting in front of the computer now at 12am. Today's the day I'll be enlisting! So a little for the people who's been around me all these while, my last words before I go in.

JY
Hey buddy. Yeah even though most of us enlisted you can still contact us yeah. Contrinue to train/work for the experience and you'll get somewhere. Sometimes I still wonder how we are totally different but still close. haha. And yeah, I'll never forget the ophix times you and me will jump around and get high over mrs ophix and the you can do it cheers and the tragic ! __fill in the blank____ cheers. And the sarbo maria cheers. and yeah. like all the cheers NO LINK TO OPHIX also make till got link hahahaha! when we're gone dont be emo la ya, we'll still be just an sms away. tekong GOT signal one! =D

Dexter
Thanks so much for all the advise man. the routine reccomendation! and coming down on wed till so late (hanah i know cos POP loh ><) hahahahah! Now's my time to chiong for O O O ..... yes. Meanwhile still, enjoy your TWO WEEKS before another chapter unfolds yeah! i'll update you the progress inside there. woo! nevertheless, i believe we both wont regret chionging la huh. Lets go back for this year's FO! =D

Eileen
Happy Birthday yo! Im so sorry Im enlisting on your bday. hai. but it cant be helped. you take care ok. always remember, u will still have BF de la. It wont end. I guess I wont say much cos ive practically said most of what i wanted to say in the email.=) prata from you and dex! I will never forget.

YL
CHOY! XINYI! L-E-T-S! HAHAHAHAHA. Hope to see u at tekong la. If fate allows. School 2 or school 1, still same ISLAND. on our first bookout we are required to meet rayna , why? cus we no gf then no excuse ><! but u have choy! So, 1 2 3 go! CHOY! XINYI! LETS YUANLONG!

Meifen
erm excuse me. hahaha! jiu can is can. Todays talking was fun huh. like one of the most random one shot update with each other kinda convo. Thanks for calling! Dun worry too much bout you're fyp yeah. it'll be just fine. =) Loyal supporters of seoul forever. remember the wedding plans ok. must prepare accordingly to enter mine. hehe

Rayna
RAY RAY RAY RAY NA!!! thanks for coming for wed also and staying so late with me! appreciate it loads! =) and ya . thanks for bruises for nightwalk la huh! Hahaa. you must take care ok. if i am bored, i will also find rayna to talk in tekong! cus roses are green and red is for frogs!

FY
Shopping buddy! lets go haji lane when i book out or something next time yea. We can go clothe hunting to suit the botak style! wooo

Xiuzhen
Supper is on! When I book out. For that dun have to worry yeass. we have time since we are both BOONKENGSTERS!! see you in 3 weeks! dont overwork yourself ok. everyday 7am is freaking early. sleep more if can.

Apple
jiu are you lonely? haha. can i sms u that when im bored in army? can la xD. we will meet up after bookout ok! must think of something nice to do! Or chill also can. erm at boonkeng not sengkang?

Jolene
rmb to take the 100 over i spent on the paint for me k!!! TAKE CARE BEST FRESHIE!!! U'll always be. =) Maincomm is gonna be taxing but dun cui diao ok. I think you're doing fine, so you gotta keep going! All the best and you still owe m1287312983712938712938712938271 eggs. dun think you can run away. I book out then we eat.!

Iman
you better take care too! So glad you got that set of results this sem! continue to work hard ok? well, introverted or extroverted, I guess we just gotta follow one side in different scenarios. =) I'll see u when i book out too! one of em! and the place is set of cos. ASTONS!!!!!

Fion
jiu, this TP de! HAHA.do take care of yourself. dance dance dance but dun neglect your studies ok. I havent go O school for ages. can we go??? Ok i think this word is getting overated... "WHEN I BOOK OUT!!" *how many bookouts do i have-_- .  haha yeah but i still mean it! I wanna go. one day go with this non tp de ok?

 

Badd
HIMBOTIC!! I haven seen u for ages la. You're one of those people I like to talk to cos of the nonsense HAHAHA! When i book out , please go for the outing also ok! I need some himbotism for the laughs pls! You take care buddy!

Clemen & Larry
Ahhhh. the bff slippers. thanks larry for specially going over to the mike to thank us gls tt day though we were really joking. i was damn touched to be honest. And yeah thanks clemen for the prata treat! You guys are also one of the few freshies I'll never forget. =))

Cheston,Nicchen,Gareth, cherie
you guys!! I havent seen u all before i go in. but still, take care and work hard! And cheston you supposed to cut botak with me lo. meet up ok, one of these days when I BOOK OUT again. hahaha. I'll always rmb the phone mass convos and the thing about "THE REST" can. freshies i wun forget again. YES.

IITSC
though im not exceptionally close to you guys, but just to say that I do love you guys. Im kinda just like from a total different world so most of the time I dont really feel part of you guys. But yeah, I hope somehow or another, my contributions made the camps fun. =) good luck yeah, especially this year's maincomms. I believe you guys can do it. Just be open for ideas. And work hard towards that goal for best constituent club.

Venos
Venos is the love. Well to the freshies, I hope you guys will stay together for as long as possible. Dont forget your roots (venos) and grow up into a GL for those aiming to join OTC. I'd hope to see most of you when I come back for FO next year. =) To see you guys grow up from venos would be one of the best feeling of any GLs. And yeas, just to stress again. WHERE IS THE VENOS FRESHIE TEE!! THANKS!

Ophix
O O O O PHIIIIIXXX!!! I love you guys alot la. though the outings become lesser n lesser, the turnup rate dropped. It was still fun while it lasted. I believe we wont forget, whatever we've been through in our hearts. how we rock after FO, thrugh otc, and out again. Ill never forget this empire, where I met a few of the most important people of my life as well as learnt so much more of myself. thank you ophix.

Krys, Lucas, Justin, Vanessa
Not forgetting you guys! The chill-sters. I'll always enjoy the chillout times during the weekends. And clark quay. Lets go for that band's singing again at B&J's. Yasman isit? Yeah.! He's learnt Over You! I cant wait to listen. can we? Be prepared NICC!

12.50am. BMT BMT BMT! In a few hours my life will change.BE PREPARED NICC!!

PLATOON X, COMPANY X ! CADET CKM IS COMING YOUR WAY!

after all this time. i finally let it out.
i think, i feel fine now.

continue.continue.continue to build that hole of emptiness

I was playing around.lol. inspiratin from the 4bia mtv

Just caught 4Bia (Seeprang) on sunday. Kinda liked it cus the stories were quite interesting. Saw a really good trailer while in Bangkok the other time but I cant seem to find it on youtube. I only found the music video of the song. Know what, I think I'm starting to like the creativity industry in Thailand. Though not superior, alot of their form of presentations are kinda raw. It's like a fresh reproduction of the korean style they are going into. look at the video and you'll see. Like the smoke!

Dome & Nologo - กลัว (Glua - Fear)

this is like cool stuff! way to go man. these cmm students got it ehh
not the artsy fartsy stuff but i love that concept. thats what i call RAW

Im going in in 15 days.
Time really flies when you countdown to it. 65 days counting when Dex went in. But see where I am now.

I need my answers. I need reassurance.

How much I want to push a restart button to my life.
How I wish..
Some things you missed out when you were a child, paralyzes you in the future..
How I wish..
How I wish..
How I wish..


I cant go on with my life like this.=(
so much i want to tell my friends.
but i cant bring myself to speak a single word...

Im a Dreamy Idealist!  (According the quiz from meifen's blog)

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.



---------------------------------
so so so true. it scares me

when I was bored and needed to draw...
i went back to iscribble. hahaha. the bottom left one's mine!




HAHAHA. cheap thrills. eye bags are killin me again. nooooo

omg my sleeping records havent been well these days scoring to at least 5-6am everyday! Thats bad. Especially for health, training and skin! I cant afford that!!!! WAKE UP NICC!!!! TIME TO SLEEP!!!

Met up with pei,karad,adel,sandy,chonglin,nicole today for a short gathering. I indulged in Hans cos I was rather hungry. Giselle called shortly and there was a loong loong talk for the preps of the studio shooting script. I think through that talk I found out yet another few things about myself, of how I see design as and what clear cut qualities I have which I have never put to thought! haha. I was asked to film a 10sec video for the director to view and I stationed myself at peipei's house for 2 over hours shooting that 10secs! WOOW I AM NOT SUITED FOR ACTING I TELL YOU. And no. complexion cui now! No photoshop to save me haha. I better recover before the interview or im screwedd.

5:39am.

NICC what are you thinking.SLEEP! bye people! I shall not cui diao to meet dex later! promise promise promise!

I guess im sounding like a secondary school kid. but its always happening. Adults and us. We just dont see things the same way

Stop insulting me with stereotypes of typical singaporean youngsters.
All Im screaming out for is to tell you, im not like them.

One day I can imagine me coming back for a gathering with you guys telling me:" It's good now that you finally earn . grow up already ah. not like last time still playing. ."

Well, to you guys i could have been thrown into that stereotype of youngsters.but my reply would still be, " I never did." I never did let it easy. I never liked the thought of slacking your life away. Even for the jobs im working and things im doing now. Its not kids play. Im giving my best to earn that experience and cultivate my talent. Im rushing myself. So I hope I'd get at least , Respect.

kids, teenagers, youngsters, young adults, adults....
yeah. its yet another foolish stereotype in the society.

Adult = successful? HAH. NO IN YOUR FUCKING FACE.